When I was in class 2^nd I’v read these line “And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”  I don’t know why these lines make such an impact over me that these lines are still alive in my mind and in my soul.. so today is my birthday.. Better to say another birthday.. Which means I’v live one more year of my life.. and offcourse it means I’v become one year older.. and I’v to accept it..

I remember early days of my life and at that time Birthday only means wearing coloured clothes in school.. distributing toffees or chocolates and that was 4 in number unlike other guys who just give 2.. and 6 to the girl whom I like.. J Birthday means to escape from punishment even after making a mistake even when the whole class was standing as a part of punishment and you was sitting giggling over them.. Birthday means to think about the gifts that might be inside the wrapped coloured polythene.. To check the cakes flavour by licking it with your finger.. while that was  in the refrigerator and inquiring if nobody was noticing u…  Birthday means to make a whistle over getting the gift of your dream… and a sad expression over getting a thing that u already have.. That’s wat birthday means to me 10 years back .. time passes .. things changes .. nd with it change my view of seeing things.. but even than I don’t know why when I remember my all those days of my life my face gives a million sweet smile.. Every thing changes during these years except one thing and that is my mother’s love.. She treats me in the same way she treats me then..  and truly speaking I really love it.. I really love my Mother I love her more than anything in this world.. She’s my first Birthday gift.. She’s the gift that God gave to me.. and everyone knows first thing is the best thing..  as in case of Luv .. Your first Luv is always your best love.. However bitter that is…

                 This very year of my life is full of ups and downs the later has an edge over there.. I know ups and downs are part of life .. If life moving like sine curve then dats gud.. but when it becomes tan curve .. than there is a big problem.. nd offcourse this is not a good year of my life.. you can judge it from my last thre posts.. This year of my life is full of mistakes and regrets..  Hates and dislikings.. If I write that this very year is one of the worst year I’v ever live than .. don’t treat me as pessimistic.. nd I know I’m not wrong.. In this year I’v lost all those things that I’v  nd offcourse some losses are incompatible… It’s a good saying that the best things in life are learnt in worst time..  as a teacher this year taught me better than any other teacher..  My experience of this year help me in transforming from a frivolous creature to a mature person.. I’m hopeful that the remaining year of my life are worth living..  nd offcourse hope is the best thing in the world..

Happy Birthday to me..:)

There are few things in this world which help you out in your worst time and that include  blogging, brooding over your dreams, your pillow, Cigarettes, nd offcourse last but not least a Beer bottle ,I am unlucky since I’v not the last two companions for helping me out, although I’v tried both the thing few days backs and find nothing special in them.. at that time I’m at the zenith of sorrow but didn’t get comfort by them.. nd sway not to take them again.. “Nothing is forever” is the point for which I want to write today.. I don’t know whether I shall publish this on my blog or not since I’m writing regularly, daily from the first day of this year bloody 2008.. but I don’t publish any of my writing on my blog bcoz they all are bloody.. bcoz really they are not written by me.. since I’m not pessimistic.. nd they are totally pessimistic.. how I changed so much.. I want to meet one of my old friend and really want to hear these words .. “Hey Pankaj .. If it is you.. You are not like this.. you cynosure guy.. wat has happened to you..??” nd that is the greatest comfort for me..

Its getting gloomy day by day.. I feeling void day by day.. Vaccum is what I realized practically.. ya offcourse I’ve seen wat is vaccum.. I’v seen each and everything.. I’v seen how world changes.. I’v seen how relations die.. I’ve seen how much unhappy a person can be.. I’v seen how much unlucky a person can be.. I’v witness the supersaturation point of pessimism.. and offcourse now I stop saying that I’m my favourite.. I don’t want to write these things on my blog bcoz really I don’t want sympathy of anybody ,anybody  means everybody.. because its my opinion that the worst gift for a person is sympathy. Ya offcourse its my own opinion its not a fact.. Please don’t sympathise me.. Please don’t come close to me.. I hate this word close because the worst phase of ones life is the phase when he looses the thing which is closest to him.. Don’t be a looser always be a winner .. Winners are rare nd some people are meant only to win. I know nobody knows how I changed so much, I sway even me myself don’t know it.. But some changes are against our willingness, we have to do something that is against our wish and wishes are meant not to complete, These days I’m in love .. ya offcourse not with a girl but with these three words “no, not and never” how much beautiful these three words are .. I’v witness the harsh realities of this brutal world.. nd really surprised to see, If really the world is wat I’m seeing .. I hate this world .. Ya offcourse, nd why not when things go against your wish, when you  have lost your everything .. everything means everything nd the things which you loose are essential ingredient of this receipe so called life .. some looses are incompatiable.. then wat you do.. When you are happy you have thousand of friends to laugh with you, to see cheers when you have glass in your hand .. but believe me they all leave you when you really need them .. and this time this is fact not an opinion yaa offcourse not an opinion.. I know I’v best friends in this world nd challenge anyone in this field and lucky only in this field but still feel pleased after saying it.. I’v learnt so many things in this year.. that I’m feeling proud over me.. It’s said that the best things of life a person learns is in his worst time.. and I know one thing that every another guy knows and that is life runs on a sine curve.. It means we have continuation upgrades and degrades in our life.. nd they are consecutive.

“Nothing is Forever” the college in which you are studying today is going to leave you tomorrow, the friends which are now a part of your life may not be part of it tomorrow.. The one whom you love today more than yourself might be the same person whom you hate most in this world.. Why..?? Why things change..?? and why persons change.?? It is said that God still exists .. if it is so.. than why persons unhappy .. I know its foolish to ask such question because until and unless you are not unhappy than you don’t know what is happiness..?? but still I want to be happy but I can’t I know why My sine curve has now no trough..its walking towards crest but that is present at infinite depth.. I want to laugh again.. Please don’t read it anymore because I don’t want anyone to feel pity over me.. My Past few weeks have been marked by peculiar melancholic feeling of gloom, disillusion and sceptism. I don’t know when ‘ll I laugh next but still now I’m loving it… Attachment is the worst thing in the world since when you loose it you loose your everything and loneliness is the best thing since when you loose it you got everything..

I’ve been reading Geeta these days and really I love it.. I don’t know why but I feel it that has been written for me.. I never feel comfortable in hindi books or novels but that is awesome. That is a forever book the content is never out of date.. I Know if I follow it I can’t be a good professional but even than I follow it because I’ll be happy after reading it and Happiness is the best thing in the world.. and that depends upon you in which thing you are happy.. nd offcurse when winter comes spring is not far behind .. Hope is the reason of existence of this world.. Be hopeful.. Say cheers to life and believe that everything that’s going on has some specific role in your life .. Lets wait and see.. and last but not least nothing wrong can happen to a person who is right.. Everything that happens for goodness..and that is the only thing which give me some comfort..nd now I’m feeling comfortable..!! Really..

Twenty years back in a prestigious family of Kshatriyas, there was a gloomy atmosphere .. since there was a death of oldest member f family .. There were sounds of crying and weeping.. noise and noise were all there .. What was smile.. nobody knows..!! The person who died had a great reputation in the city not only in the city but also in the nearby cities.. All were coming to show their regret over death .. but their was a lady in the house who was pregenant , the lady was deadman’s granddaughter.. she had a child in her womb.. She had to give birth to him.. She had been admitted to the small hospital nearby house .. Ladies husband was far away from her.. He was on the service .. He had been on a high post and couldn’t come due to office’s load.. So lady was all alone at her maternal place.. along with lady was their only ladies Brother nad her Mother…!! Finally on the hottest day of the year in the mid June when the sun is at its peak position .. the lady gave birth to a child .. The second child .. Perhaps that child won the first battle of life bcoz of being a male.. Don’t ask me the reason bcoz me myself don’t know…!!! But that’s the fact according to local people.. All were happy in the family and were saying that the grandfather of Lady had returned in the soul of child… All the ceremonies of child’s birth were celebrated but not in a pomp and show but in a formal way … That’s all about child’s birth..

The child’s family background was full of glory. The grandfather of Child’s Father was “Zamindaar” and child’s Grandfather had done MBBS even at that time.. At that time MBBS was considered more tough than IAS, PCS, of today.. Even after qualifying MBBS child’s grandfather had push himself in his family business.. due to family limitation.. But the philantroph person devoid his child from this thing and gave him the best education , he sent his son outside the city to continue his graduate and post-graduate studies.. That’s all about child’s Father.

The child had been named by his Father “Pankaj”.. the national flower of the country.. The cynosure of all flowers and the king of flowers..!! The child was the dufferest child of the world.. When started crying ..don’t stop before 2-3 hours.. Alwazs wanted himself to be in her mother’s lapse.. Asked her mom to remove “Dal” from “Chawaal” when they are intermixed.. dats what he is..!! He had been admitted in the best school of the city but on the first day .. the child beat his teacher snatched her hair make dracolean marks on the beautiful face of his teacher by his strong never cutted nails.. and ask him to allow him to sit in his Brother’s class… That was the first and last day or better to say the only day of child’s Kingterdon Garden period..

But child’s mother had belief on her child.. She taught her child by herself.. She loved her child very much and had full confidence in him.. After 2 years child had been again admitted in the school and directly in class first.. and at this time child didn’t make any mistake .. At this time he created a history.. He got 99% marks in all the three quaterely examination.. Child’s parent had been called and they had been rewarded at this time the real person i.e. the child’s mother had been rewarded child’s mother was feeling so proud of the child that no words can express… She kissed her child The child had won another battle of life… He was considering himself to be a king and why not..?? and so history repeats many time in class 2^nd , in class 3^rd, in class 4^th, .. the child was always 95% plus.. always toper of the class with an unbeaten, awesome record of 100 in maths always..!!

The child’s favourite sports include Cricket, Ludo and “Ghoda Jaman Sai”… the third one was very close to child’s heart bcoz noone knows how child always knew whenever “Koda” was placed behind him… He was always winner in this game.. Child’s Brdr (Pawan), Gopal, Rani, Alloo, Megha, Prateek, were the persons who accompany the child in this game..

When the child was in class 6^th Child’s Father had filled the application for him for Sainik School, A school of child’s Father dream and its very tough to get admitted in it … and like other time child again proved himself and passed the written test of entrance exam. But child’s Grandma didn’t got ready to sent him away from his eyes.. according to him child was too small and no place in the world is better than mother’s lapse . Then come the first happiest moment of child’s life .. Child’s Brdr had topped the district in class 10^th .. and that was when .. when he didn’t attend any coaching class unlike other students.. There is a photo of child’s Brdr in the newspaper with a brief interview of how he achived it.. Child cutted that cutting and put it in his file .. In the same year Child’s Brdr participated in International School Debate Competition and won gold medal in National Level Science Exhibition.. So atlast child got a role model for himself.. He always wanted to be like his Brdr.. and why not since he is the cynosure of city..!!!

Then Child has beem transferred from his old school to a new one to the one in which his Brdr is a scholar and at that time child was in class 8^th there was a change in the board from CBSE to ICSE .. child is facing difficulty in English .. In the very first year of new school child does not meet the expectation of his parents, he had been ranked 7^th in the class with a percentage of 86.. The percentage although was not bad but doesnot meet the scholaristic record of child. Again this time Child’s Brdr topped the district in class 12^th .. But child’s performance doesnot matches with his Brdrs one … So it’s a time for child to prove himself.. Maths is always strong subject of child but then he is also good in Hindi, History, Biology, and when these all combine in the examination hall its beauty is seen in the result card of child .. He had again topped in the 9^th class, But in the same year he had been declared as the most naughty student of class. He has been caught red handed with a “Chatai” in his school bag and he had been fined for it.. The child had been kicked out off class for 2 days… bcoz of asking nonsense question and disturbing the whole class, for playing idiotic pranks over his chemistry teacher and making a mock of him.. but when you are good in studies than your other faults have been forgived . This most remarkable year ends with the most joyous moment of child’s life .. Child’s Brdr had cleared the toughest exam of world.. He had passed the entrance test of IIT-JEE with a mains rank of 3102 out of over 2 lac students.. not only this he had been under 700 in the other toughest exam of so called AIEEE. But unfortunately , due to of non avalaibility of good branch at that rank he had to give up his admission in IIT.. but this time child get a aim for his life .. He want to complete the half completed dreams of his parents.. But his first target was board exams.. The child make his whole hearted attempt and once again proved himself .. He was better than his role model and a topper in the district .. This very year was most memorable year of child’s Life .. In the same year child got his MP3. He got his best friend Anurag who helped him out in getting his MP3 .. since child didn’t had enough courage to commit.. That rastogi gal was the only gal with whom child always wanted to speak .. but these things never effect child’s academics. So at the end of year child find himself with books count more than 1000 pages… since he was in class 11^th…. But he was payin more attention towards bulls eye  i.e. IIT-JEE and as a result his performance in class 12^th was simply satisfactory 82%.. Now comes the most gloomy and emotional year of my life .. The year about which I wrote most but the year about which I want to write least.. I don’t know what I called that year the best year of my life or worst year .. or simply one year at Kota.. Kota the most clean city of world .. Which has produced the best scholars of world and which is known throughout the world .. I was in the best coaching of city and in the top batch among 30 batches .. below me were 28 batches which always gave me a false consolation that my success in exam is 299/300.. I was truly honest with myself .. Good in Maths.. average in Physics … a little bit poor in Chemistry.. I alwazs remember the fact that my parents had some dreams with me and I’ve to fulfill them this thing always motivate me.. I wanted to complete the incomplete dream of my brdr.. I don’t know where I lack but during first test my performance did not meet the requirement of the previous batch and I’ve been suffled two batches below and then again.. I’ve been suffled two batches below truly I’m honest.. I attempt whole heartedly .. I labour with best of my spirits and dats why I agin everything and in the last I’m perfect for the test .. which is so called the toughest .. I’m confident enough to crack it .. but who knows where I lack .. simply I missed my dreams by 5 marks .. I can’t believe that 5 marks can change life but dats not an opinion but dats a fact.. But I’m lucky that atleast I got something .. Ilearned so many things in this year that I couldn’t learn in my whole life .. I got admission in one of the best private college of UPTU.. truly speaking I never feel comfortable while speakin its name.. but dats brutal reality.. I’m a student here.. I’ve missed something in my life.. but that something is not everything .. Now I’ve stopped deaming because it hurts most when you see a dream that does not get fulfilled .. I got so many things here that are sufficient to live a peaceful and happy life .. If you are satisfied than you are happy and it’s the fact that I got the best things of life here..!!