Today its being a prosaic day for me, Its the third time that the Dhobi has lost my clothes and this time really i’m going to take a portentous action against him.. I hope the time I’ll complete my B.Tech I have gifted him more clothes then the centuries of Tendulakar.. Please pray Tendulakar score less centuries .. Its being quite tedious to attend College till 5:00 pm and to maintain 75% of attendance.. I’m sick of it.. From past three years I’m doing the same thing.. and its quite monotonous.. and unwillingly I just want to cross the walls of this college.. and then the food.. the food of mess.. I’m feeling proud on me, how can I tolerate such harsh treatment by mess authorities.. anywaz there are thousands like me and atleast I’m lucky from them in many respect and Its better saying everyone like others thing, forgetting the fact that we are other for someone.. quite ironical but true.. I don’t know why I’m writing it.. just to console me or to hide my mortification.. anyways just lyk other days I went to mess few hours back.. Lyk everyday there was a protracted queue.. and again I was glad to find there were more valiants in my hostel then me.. asking one of my friends sitting in the last seat of mess and attempting to cut the potato(I guess) by spoon.. Wats in the food.. He asked me Well if I’m not seeing it..?? Good question .. Question of an engineer and thats the quality of engineer they never give direct answer.. but unfortunately me too is an engineer I told him that I’m sabzi blind.. He laughed and told me even after eating it he couldn’t identify it… and then we two laughed.. Then he told me he guess it mite be Mushroom.. Thanks to mess authorities for filling some humour in my sombring life.. Well I buried my plan of dinner..

Its quite a pleasant ambiance today, It rained and the soil is giving winsome smell.. I like to have a walk.. Well walk is a part of my daily routine but still its more jubilant today.. Cool strokes of breezes are making an attempt to give me a pleasant sensation and really I like it.. Its quite a wonderful atmosphere.. I’m taking a long round.. at the end of path I instituted few homogolize faces .. three persons sitting on the ground and discussing something very important.. Two are my classmates.. Deepak Goyal and Rahul Pandey.. I don’t hesitate to disturb them asking them the criteria of eligibility for giving minors again curse on the person who introduced the system of Attendance .. It can’t be less then 70% .. I ask him.. Are you sure..?? He laughs and I really don’t like it because I’v 68% attendance that doesn’t include 2 of my subjects and hopefully it shall cross 70% but still I’m not sure.. anywaz who cares for my satisfaction.. What you guys are doing..?? Sanghosti(Debate)..?? and If you want to join us u can join us.. So its sanghosti I always like it.. he told me each day they do like that.. They discuss on current topics.. I laughed.. without having any reason.. Its my habit to laugh when nobody laughs and to sit quite when everyone is laughing that’s why I know I’m different.. So you guys discussing on wat..?? He told me come on sit down we shall tell you all.. I sit down.. He ask me not to attend any phone calls in between of sanghosti.. I don’t know whether it was a comment or instruction.. Okie fine dude.. there are three sitting Rahul Pandey(CS-3rd yr)[R], Deepak Goyal(CS-3rd yr)[D], Yatish (EC- 3rd yr)[Y] and the fourth one me Pankaj Verma (CS-3rd yr)[P]…
D: We discuss on very debatable topics.. and to speak in English is not allowed in this sanghosti..
Y: I hope you feel difficulty in speaking pure hindi..
P: Well the first thing is Debate is always done on debatable topics so u seems quite stupid by saying We do debate on debatable topics and second thing is I’m quite good in hindi.. and that is pure hindi.. and you can judge it.. and I’m quite gud at Paryavachi(synonyms)..
R: Just tell me the synonyms of “Ambu”…
P: (I’v not heard of it previously and I’v heard of Ambuj.. and I know its meaning but I know they are 2 different words) Firstly I smile then I continued.. Prason, Megh(I mix all which i guess can be its answer) blah blah and more blah blah..
D: I do expect it from you It seems I’m wrong when you start answering(He is referring to prason) but then everything is unveiled.. they all laughed..
P: Hehe.. I’v done it all intentionally to make u laugh people.. and then it was me only who’s laughing.. and I’m the one who got 96 in my hindi..
Y: So this is the topic of our today’s debate if number reveals the indepth knowledge..
P: Offcourse they do..
Y: I don’t agree..
P: Its all an opinion and your agreement or disagreement can’t mould the fact..
D: Do you remember the example of Wahi Ahmed our Data Structures teacher.. He told in class that he got 98 in Physics and he accept in class he doesn’t know anything in Physics..
P:I don’t.. I’v enough things to remember rather then such fucky things.. but still I do think that number reveals something..
D: Ya something is okie but not everything..
P: I agree.. So you do agree that numbers reveal something..
D: Well tell Rahul him the problem statement of our Debate, that we left yesterday and planned to continue it today..
R: Suppose you are a graduate who passed out from college and u have a girl friend(I smiled..) the bad thing is you are unemployed(I see him in such a way to give him threat..) and the girls wants to marry you.. and the worst thing is your parents are against it.
D: You have the option to leave the gal without letting your parents tell that you love any girl and that is totally injustice for the girl and the second one is you let your father told about girl..
P: Hmm… Nice topic..
Y: You are not here to give comments but to give arguements and solutions..
P: It depends upon many things.. We can’t only take decision on this much information only..
D: Suppose that the girl is totally dependent upon you..
P: I’ll leave the girl.. If I’v to answer in one word..
Y: Isn’t you are doing injustice to the girl..
P: No, Not at all.. I’v my reasons Well I want to ask you one question.. If you are given choice to choose between Capital punishment or Life imprisonment.. What will you choose..
D: Offcourse Capital Punsihment..
Y: Capital Punsihment..
R: Capital Punishmnet..
P: But I’ll choose Life Imprisonment.. (Well upto then I’v come in the mood of perfect debate It seems they three have taken One side and Me on other.. I’v an option to squeeze out the exhaustness of the day in form of words..)
D: Then you are an asshole..
P: Only you think..
Y: This is nothing to do with our topic .. Why are you diverting from topic..
P: I’m not diverting from topic.. I’ll correlate the things..
Y: Well don’t you think, its just the desire of family members of not allowing for the marriage.. and moreover.. Don’t you think that its quite a bigger injustice to the girl if you shall not get married to the girl who is totally dependent upon you then to the family members who have not any reson for not allowing you to marriage..
P: (I’v become quite hot till then) Its you think.. Tell me one thing How many years are you older.. hopefully not less then 22 years.. how many times did your parents think wrong for you.. Dude they are the one who always think for your betterment.. but this is not my reason of leaving the girl my reason include unemployment .. Since I’m unemployed Its quite obvious how can I fulfil mine and her basic necessities.. and since I’m doing it all against my parents wish then I’m a narcissist I can’t expect any help from them.. and then In this way though we marry according to your desire even then we can’t we happy.. and the injustice that you are speaking is just for a moment.. nothing wrong shall happen.. Time shall heal everything that girl soon get a well dude and then she don’t forget to forget you.. but still if you loose your parents then you don’t have other option.. and you are of nowhere..
R: In short you shall do injustice to the girl ..
P: who said..??
Y: you..
P: No its not injustice.. There is a better option also available.. If i truely love the girl I’ll ask her to wait till the time I got a job…
D: Then It means you do an adult marriage.. New crime.. (They all laugh.. Me smiled…)
Y: But I’ll be against you.. and I’ll marry the girl because i think sooner or later I’ll win over my parents and succeed in convincing my parents and then in this way I’ll do injustice to none..
P: You think.. and you are an asshole..
D: Me too agree.. not on your arguement but on the fact that he’s an asshole.. (We all laugh)
All it seems that in such a cold ambiance .. the weather doesn’t like our hot talks.. It start raining slowly..
D: All I think that we have to finish our debate now..
P: But the topic is not end yet..
D: We don’t want to wet before minors and the sangosthi shall be continued tomorrow from this very point..
It was a nice yet uncomplete debate and I like it.. We all three start moving towards hostel.. and I was thinking all of it.. I don’t know whether I was right or wrong.. but still it made me to think.. It made me to think of something.. The problem is very general and found in many of the slums leave slum even in the big cities we found many faces.. and in the newspaper every fourth news have the heading which reveals the fact that we have discussed, so many suicide cases, so many divorce cases all because of the problems that we have discussed but still initially youth think themselves to be right initially and later on everything is in front of all of us.. I’m not saying that I’m right but still i say my opinion is better..

It’s been a long time since I posted my last post in d blog and Honestly speaking I haven’t written my diary since last month.. I remember the promise that i made to myself in the beginning of this year that each and everyday I should write my diary so dat I learn from my previous mistakes.. But offcourse Promises are amended to be broken and the chances got multiplied when the promises are made to oneself.. Anywaz Its been a long studying time and finally yesterday my battle with my examination got over.. Got nothing to do, After a long sleep of 16 hours.. I woke up 3 hours back.. Wasted one more hour of my PRECIOUS life in thinking “What to do next..?” but my mind,after losin its creativity in bastard uptu subjcts,got nothin adventurous

Just opened my Laptop.. loggedin into my Orkut account Checked my scraps.. Checked the communities of whom I’m d owner remove spams there.. and again life come to an end.. Got nothing to do.. some victims of the same situations pinging me on my gtalk but I hate typing.. I loggedout.. Opened my almirah and took out a brown covered Book .. Offcourse that was my diary… took it out with me.. Start reading my diary and now d wrld seems beautiful 2 me .. As usual first writing of my diary is always dedicated to the person whom I admire most.. I really felt gloomy after reading it.. It saddened me to think dat d person is now not a part of my life.. but still Memories has an uncanny ability of making us sad at our happy time and making us happy at our sad times.. and no doubt persons come and go out from ur lives .. U meet new ones, Lost previous one and finally life goes on.. I closed my eyes think for two minutes and remember d golden lines whatever dat happens, happens for your goodness.. I turned out d pages read few book reviews dat I have read .. Everyone who’s part of my life must be a part of my diary.. I’v written for everyone in it for all 120 students of my class for all 32 students of my school days.. for all 100 of my family ralatives.. The thing is for some persons I have written many pages but for others I’v written few lines.. While turning pages I stuck at a page It has something very special and very close to my heart.. I remember I’v copied it from some communities post of Orkut.. and when I copied it I’v read it more than 10 times.. It touched my heart and really made me to think Its for “Mother”.. The best of God’s creation .. and the most beautiful thing of d world.. the lines are as follows..:

“Why are you crying, a young boy asked his Mom?

“Because I’m a woman,” she told him.

“I don’t understand,” he said.

His Mom just hugged him and said,

“And you never will, but that’s O.K.”…….

Later the little boy asked his father,

“Why does Mom seem to cry for no reason?”.

“All women cry for no reason,” was all his Dad could say……

The little boy grew up and became a man,

still wondering why women cry.

Finally he put in a call to God and when God got back to him, he asked “God, why do women cry so easily?”

GOD answered……

“When I made woman,

I decided she had to be special.

I made her shoulders

strong enough to carry

the weight of the world, yet,

made her arms gentle enough to give comfort…

I gave her the inner strength

to endure childbirth

and the rejection

that many times will come

even from her own children.

I gave her a hardness

that allows her

to keep going and take care

of her family and friends,

even when everyone else gives up, through sickness and fatigue without

complaining….

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all

circumstances. Even when her child has hurt her badly….

She has the very special power to make a child’s boo-boo feel better and

to quell a teenager’s anxieties and fears….

I gave her strength to care for her husband, despite faults

and I fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart….

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but

sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him

unfalteringly….

For all of this hard work,

I also gave her a tear to shed.

It is hers to use

whenever needed and !

it is her only weakness….

When you see her cry,

tell her how much you love her, and all she does for everyone, and even though

she may still cry, you will have made her heart feel good.

She is special!

Each day is a mountain that must be climbed; with courage each step

gets easier.

Love your Mother Always

and keep her Smiling” ~ Adapted from sum cmnty Of Orkut..

These lines touched me dat time these lines me now and dese lines touched me everytime.. I really love my mother I love her more than I love myself.. Who says Loves doesn’t happen in first sight.. It happens and happens in such a fascinating way dat no love in d world can ever got an edge over it.. and hence proved dat over first love is our best love.. When I tried to remember the most oldest moment of my life then dat comes out to be one while I was sitting in my mother’s lapse.. she kissed me on my left cheek and dats the kiss which i do remember even after 18 years .. I hope i was 2 years at that time.. dat was just an illusion and dats the oldest thing dat i remember about my lyf..

My mom has always been a source of inspiration for me.. I challenge the quote Great Persons are born .. Great persons are not born they are made… Its d great JijaBai who made Shiva to fight with mighty rulers of dat tym.. Napolean is a world famous King bcoz of his mother.. Its my mom who wakes at 4:30 of morning for continuously eight years just bcoz of me.. Its rightly said that mother’s love is always unselfish.. I have seen the difference between a Father’s Love and Mother’s Love, Your mother always win in convincing you when you got disappointed from her.. Father sometimes don’t care.. Its been said “Only Mothers Can Think Of The Future-Because They Give Birth To It In Their Children…” So Nations progress doesn’t depend upon youth of today but the mother’s of today.. I remember my first day at school when I forget to bring back my school bag, and Its my mom who walked with me upto my school but still couldn’t get my bag.. On d second day I make dracolean marks on d face of my teacher since she’s not allowing me to sit in my Brother’s class.. and dats the only two days of my kingterdon Garden Period of schooldays.. I have been taught by my mother for continuously two years and in such a fascinating way that when again I got admitted in the school I created such a history dat has still yet to be broken… 100% in all the three quarters.. I thanked my Mom in providing such a mansion to my life dat can survive even the worstest of Earthquakes of harsh world realities.. She’s always there to say I’m here so why you worry.. and dese words always give me such an inspiration that increase my capability in doing things many fold.. I always want my Mom to be happy bcoz I really Love her so much… I want to write more about her but I know how much I write dats less for her… Bcoz Mom’s are always lyk dat… and I’m lucky since I got d best mom in d world.. Thank U Mom for being so kind and Loving Me.. I love u too Mom

There are few things in this world which help you out in your worst time and that include  blogging, brooding over your dreams, your pillow, Cigarettes, nd offcourse last but not least a Beer bottle ,I am unlucky since I’v not the last two companions for helping me out, although I’v tried both the thing few days backs and find nothing special in them.. at that time I’m at the zenith of sorrow but didn’t get comfort by them.. nd sway not to take them again.. “Nothing is forever” is the point for which I want to write today.. I don’t know whether I shall publish this on my blog or not since I’m writing regularly, daily from the first day of this year bloody 2008.. but I don’t publish any of my writing on my blog bcoz they all are bloody.. bcoz really they are not written by me.. since I’m not pessimistic.. nd they are totally pessimistic.. how I changed so much.. I want to meet one of my old friend and really want to hear these words .. “Hey Pankaj .. If it is you.. You are not like this.. you cynosure guy.. wat has happened to you..??” nd that is the greatest comfort for me..

Its getting gloomy day by day.. I feeling void day by day.. Vaccum is what I realized practically.. ya offcourse I’ve seen wat is vaccum.. I’v seen each and everything.. I’v seen how world changes.. I’v seen how relations die.. I’ve seen how much unhappy a person can be.. I’v seen how much unlucky a person can be.. I’v witness the supersaturation point of pessimism.. and offcourse now I stop saying that I’m my favourite.. I don’t want to write these things on my blog bcoz really I don’t want sympathy of anybody ,anybody  means everybody.. because its my opinion that the worst gift for a person is sympathy. Ya offcourse its my own opinion its not a fact.. Please don’t sympathise me.. Please don’t come close to me.. I hate this word close because the worst phase of ones life is the phase when he looses the thing which is closest to him.. Don’t be a looser always be a winner .. Winners are rare nd some people are meant only to win. I know nobody knows how I changed so much, I sway even me myself don’t know it.. But some changes are against our willingness, we have to do something that is against our wish and wishes are meant not to complete, These days I’m in love .. ya offcourse not with a girl but with these three words “no, not and never” how much beautiful these three words are .. I’v witness the harsh realities of this brutal world.. nd really surprised to see, If really the world is wat I’m seeing .. I hate this world .. Ya offcourse, nd why not when things go against your wish, when you  have lost your everything .. everything means everything nd the things which you loose are essential ingredient of this receipe so called life .. some looses are incompatiable.. then wat you do.. When you are happy you have thousand of friends to laugh with you, to see cheers when you have glass in your hand .. but believe me they all leave you when you really need them .. and this time this is fact not an opinion yaa offcourse not an opinion.. I know I’v best friends in this world nd challenge anyone in this field and lucky only in this field but still feel pleased after saying it.. I’v learnt so many things in this year.. that I’m feeling proud over me.. It’s said that the best things of life a person learns is in his worst time.. and I know one thing that every another guy knows and that is life runs on a sine curve.. It means we have continuation upgrades and degrades in our life.. nd they are consecutive.

“Nothing is Forever” the college in which you are studying today is going to leave you tomorrow, the friends which are now a part of your life may not be part of it tomorrow.. The one whom you love today more than yourself might be the same person whom you hate most in this world.. Why..?? Why things change..?? and why persons change.?? It is said that God still exists .. if it is so.. than why persons unhappy .. I know its foolish to ask such question because until and unless you are not unhappy than you don’t know what is happiness..?? but still I want to be happy but I can’t I know why My sine curve has now no trough..its walking towards crest but that is present at infinite depth.. I want to laugh again.. Please don’t read it anymore because I don’t want anyone to feel pity over me.. My Past few weeks have been marked by peculiar melancholic feeling of gloom, disillusion and sceptism. I don’t know when ‘ll I laugh next but still now I’m loving it… Attachment is the worst thing in the world since when you loose it you loose your everything and loneliness is the best thing since when you loose it you got everything..

I’ve been reading Geeta these days and really I love it.. I don’t know why but I feel it that has been written for me.. I never feel comfortable in hindi books or novels but that is awesome. That is a forever book the content is never out of date.. I Know if I follow it I can’t be a good professional but even than I follow it because I’ll be happy after reading it and Happiness is the best thing in the world.. and that depends upon you in which thing you are happy.. nd offcurse when winter comes spring is not far behind .. Hope is the reason of existence of this world.. Be hopeful.. Say cheers to life and believe that everything that’s going on has some specific role in your life .. Lets wait and see.. and last but not least nothing wrong can happen to a person who is right.. Everything that happens for goodness..and that is the only thing which give me some comfort..nd now I’m feeling comfortable..!! Really..